Here's "Notions From The Other Side" Part One. Notions From The Other Side. — INTROSPECTION (tumblr.com) Fulfillment has always been a difficult subject for me to speak on because I have yet to find what truly fulfills me. I'm willing to admit and accept this. I said in my last blog post that a lot of my self worth comes from what I'm able to accomplish in my job, and while that creates some sense of confidence, it doesn't follow outside the four walls of the building. I've caught myself screaming "what is this for" more often than usual this year, I suppose because I have suddenly become so impatient feeling like I don't have an interesting and productive life to live.
So what is this for? What is all of this for? I could become existential faster than you could scream the word crisis and talk about it for hours. The bottom line is: I'm too concerned with what I'm doing things for, to do them no questions asked. I'm not in the business of wasting my time, whether it will serve as a lesson or not later down the road, so let's cut to the chase here, buddy. How will X, Y, Z serve me? Sometimes these things are better left undiscovered. I have yet to agree with the aforementioned. This is the control freak side of me. More than anything, I want to feel like I'm doing something worth a damn. I want to feel like I'm genuinely contributing something and it is going to make a difference. I'm presently wrestling with what that looks like.
A few weeks ago I was given the opportunity to do a spirit box session with my sister and went into it unexpectedly. For those of you unaware, a spirit box session is essentially an electromagnetic connection between the living world in the spirit world, most commonly garnered by radio waves/white noise. Whatever spirit is present is given the means electrically to contact the living by way of voice. A few minutes into the session, where Delaney had begun as playing the role of the listener and I the talker, I asked if there were any messages anyone wanted to pass on. In-person I heard it clearly, though in the recording it is difficult to hear but a faint indication of syllables. "Be Good." I immediately jumped on what I heard and repeated "Did you say 'be good?' Is that the message?" Several "yes" responses came from the box and we continued on asking questions, none the wiser.
I took this for what it was and carried it in my back pocket like a penny I was waiting to flip face up. Be good. That simple. Be good, be fair, be gentle, be caring. These are all alternatives that came to mind in my reflection of the basic statement. It was like a pat on the back, a reassurance that sometimes just doing good can make a difference. As I dissected the voices later, I realized one of the "yes" voices had striking similarities to my late grandmother's cadence. I played it over and over again, assuring I wasn't just tricking myself into thinking it was her, as she seldom shows up for me in any form or fashion. I spoke with my mom days later about my grandmother and she brought up that my grandmother used to say "be good" as my cousins and I would leave a bi-weekly family event we rightfully named "grandma's night." (Pronounced "gramma's night" for those of you concerned.) This simple nod had now taken on a whole different trajectory.
I think of her often at this time of year, as she thrived at Christmas. She always had lights on the tree that got too hot for us to touch, she would stack our Christmas gifts in plastic bags up the stairs to the second floor she could rarely go to, wrapped gifts would decorate the small archways in her house, and tins of Christmas goodies often overthrew any other food or appliance that otherwise called home in the kitchen. Now I've started my own traditions in her memory, and I think that's why I always look for her to be around corners at this time of year. I was never old enough to get genuine advice from her before she passed, but I think I'm getting an early Christmas wish this year.
Deep down I know my job here is clearly to do more good than harm. I think that could be anyone's job here, but some people haven't passed the background check. I know I was given empathetic qualities for nothing. I spoke to a local business owner in my town about this, as he's a very energy driven and spiritual person himself. As I talked to him about the qualities of an empath and attacks and what I'm supposed to be doing vs what I'm actually doing, he said something to me that will inevitably stick with me for the rest of my life.
"Do it for the ears that listen and the eyes that see."
Do it for the people that recognize you as an opportunist, one to find the better in the world over the bad. This has come to me in an understanding to fulfill myself in a way that fills both mine and someone else's cup, when in the past it has always been an uneven split, typically draining from my glass to put in someone else's. My arguments with fulfillment and my "calling" have always been persistent. I feel like my time is running out or I'm not doing the right amount of good, or any good at all. The fulfillment I need is what wipes my doubt from the slate. I recognize the weightless premise of what a "be good" comment can hold, but I recognize you've got to lean into the work you're doing, whatever it may be, to make such a comment worth believing in.
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