The sun is moving faster on its own than I will ever move with someone pushing me along, and my shadow clings to me in the light like it's obligated to. When is the "right" time to "move on?" Does that time exist further than our thoughts? I've been stirring for days over what it means to move on, the theoretical version, the active version, and the mental version, all at once. I'm your #1 neighborhood over-thinker. In this case, I don't feel it's unwarranted. I don't feel like I'm spinning, I don't feel like I'm treading, I don't feel like I'm walking in place, I feel like I'm standing in place. I take it positively, considering I consistently have the desire to be doing something. The ones who have fed my being consistently for the past however many years have turned into the ones that feel like they're sucking the joy and creativity from me. Like when you go to take a drink from a water bottle, you're trying to drink in the last drops, and suddenly the bottle is cracking from sucking the air out of it, because there's no more liquid left to take. My bottle went from full to cracking in the blink of an eye. I started coughing from sucking so much air from that bottle, that I wasted more breath and energy than I spent giving it to re-shape it from it's bent and cracked state. Often I realize the amount of time I put into one person: how much I want to do for them, how much I want to hang out with them, and how much I want to contact them, but it's when that desire isn't reciprocated that I jump ship. I've said numerous times, just in the past year "if they want to talk to me, or if they want to make plans with me, that's on their time. I'm done trying," which is true, it gets to be exhausting for me trying to make plans with someone. I've realized how little I've tried to make plans with people for that reason alone, but their silence is louder than apologizing or saying "sorry, I've been busy." So when do you move on? When do you embrace the natural element of people growing apart and just let it happen because it needs to, not because you want it to? I've had this unbelievable feeling lately of needing to leave. Almost like I need to drop everything and disappear for a second... but it's coming from a place of being spiteful. It feels very predictable of me, and that's one of my biggest pet peeves, is someone hinting at the fact that I'm predictable. I can be, however, it's when my mood and attitude is assumed on account of "me having a bad day" rather than that just being who I am. I don't want to be that person, but the people who, in the past year, have said to me "yeah, I figured you snapped at me because you had a bad day" have proven to be the people I want to further myself from. It's those people that, as I get older, I'm realizing are more hypocritical, more self-centered, and are showing me that I can love people through their flaws. At least I'm learning from the situation, right? However, I can only love someone so long, while the thought of hanging out with them or trying to fix anything makes my blood pressure spike. I'm being an absolute asshole in this paragraph, but I think I owe it to myself to write it out, even if it doesn't solve anything. Nothing feels satisfactory anymore. Maybe I'm being over dramatic, maybe I'm at a crossroads, maybe I just feel like I'm not good enough for things or people anymore, but when do you know? Or do you EVER know?