Sitting next to a popping fire in a Cracker Barrel may not be the most ideal place to speak of complacency, but if that's not the right opportunity, what else is? I've found myself wallowing in an immense amount of guilt because of the conversations I have with my friends. It has become less and less possible to have well thought out, intelligent, and creative conversations with the people I surround myself with, and I will not stand or sit for it much longer. What happens when I fall into these holes of uncertainty is simply this: I think about every aspect I possibly can about the situation, then bounce it off someone else to get their perspective. Which then turns into another lengthy conversation about something I'm dealing with, and by the time breakfast is done we've successfully spoken about nothing that matters further than a month from now. And I feel AWFUL for it. I don't have many friends to begin with. More acquaintances than people I consider close friends and while that's fine, because I like to know people and their stories, it isn't the best practice on the receiving end, when it comes to betterment of whatever this life is that I'm living. I believe that in some instances small pieces are what makes the bigger picture clearer, but in this case, less pieces and more quality details may be what brings everything together. So I continue to torture the few close friends I do have with my never ending saga of uncertainty. Others may argue that it's less "torture" and more "par for the course," however, those are always the first people I go to when in need of some outsider insight, and I can only imagine how tired they are of me spinning my wheels, trying to get out of the mud. Recently, the mud has formed in the shape of my job and my lack of creativity and how much both of those things are influencing my general well being. I'd like to think of myself as a naturally creative person, but only sometimes. My focus has always been on work, but for a job I don't see turning into a career, I pour a lot of myself into it. Moreso recently. Last night was the first shift I walked away from since before Christmas, feeling accomplished and NOT frustrated. I worked an impromptu 11 hour shift last Thursday and still left last night feeling more level headed than I did then. Was it an increase in feeling needed? Was it feeling like I need to put on my big girl pants and mentally prepare for the coming weeks? Who knows. I don't want to question it, but I also don't want to feel like I have to settle for feeling frustrated when I leave work almost every day. That, amongst other things related to work, then sparked the conversation about being stationary in where you are. So what are you to do when being stagnant is in your best interest for where you are in your life? I'm not necessarily unhappy with where I am, job wise, geographically wise, and creative wise, I just know I can do better (in at least 2 of those 3 scenarios, anyways).
Let me lay it out for you. - I've been with the same job for a total of 3 years this March. I left once and came back. While the company itself has started to develop into bigger frustration (on its own or because I care, I'm uncertain), I wouldn't have come back if I didn't enjoy it. I'm relatively good at what I do and although I could go forward into more of a manager position, it is not at all on my radar. So, as of currently, I don't see myself going any higher in the company than I already am. That is me being actively stagnant. - Yes, I'd like to move, but for the things I'm doing in my life now, it's ideal. I'm 45 minutes from Charlotte (on a good day), 3 and a half hours from my favorite beach, 3 and a half to 4 hours from any given mountain, 4 hours from Richmond, 5 hours from Atlanta, 6 hours from Nashville, all just a (sort of) small drive from my current home. I'm at a point in my life where spending time with my family seems to be one of the only things that matters, so while it perhaps is not ideal to still be living with my parents at almost 23, I'm chill. - Creativity is where I'm having the most difficult time finding my footing. I used to draw weekly. I used to take pictures daily. I used to film YouTube videos multiple times a week. I used to write stories and blogs posts consistently. All in the same time period. Then it all just fell off the bus. Quality over quantity, I suppose, but I'm still experiencing a level of disappointment over it, and I'm not sure how to come to my own rescue. Unfortunately, I feel like my world of wide-eyed wonder crashed and burned somewhere along the way. "That's what being an adult feels like," one might say. One is also someone who is willing to settle. I, however, am not. I'm also not in a position where I have any given experience to write about at my disposal. I've got no romantic interests to write anything about, my travel is sparse, and I can only find so many metaphors in the form of my 45 minute drive home. The other day, I was attempting to describe a particular feeling to Holly. I had it last year when I wrote about being in Las Vegas, when I wrote emails while I was in Nashville, and I experienced it again on my bus ride to New York last week. I can only visualize it as a gray feeling in my chest and in my head. Every normal function sort of... shuts off. I feel like I almost turn into a machine, and I just start writing. It happens to be a feeling that I so desperately want to hold on to always, but I treasure it being a feeling I get only when I travel and write. I crave it so badly, it makes me want to always be on the move, which is not at all a bad thing. I've started to become more comfortable with the idea of being a writer, which is the first sense of "what do you want to be when you grow up?" that I've had since I was in high school. I wanted to be a photographer, I wanted to do some sort of art, and then last year, while having a conversation with another friend, I realized that while we'll always need some form of art, everyone will always need words. Always. I'm still not certain I can excel in this field, either. But I wouldn't trade the feeling of "spacing out" to write ANYTHING for the world. My tires continue to spin. I continue to find every avenue I can, in order to better my life. And I fail to run down them, but I know they're there. As far as I'm concerned, it's a step in the right direction. My desire to be surrounded by creative people is still unwavering, and I still have yet to find them anywhere around here. So all I have is to write vaguely about things I want help on, and my continuation of oversharing to the people who I'm sure are tired of hearing it. Being stagnant isn't the best idea for someone my age, but how do you go about starting to find your way out of it when you can't convince yourself there's anything better for you in this present moment?