Claiming the Blame

In terms of caring for others, I don't think people pleasing is necessarily a bad thing. The issue lies past the line of trying to keep communication, and sending 3 too many texts. Frankly, I annoy myself most times, so how do I expect anyone else to tolerate me? Answer: I can't, and don't. I made the decision today, although rather petty, that I'm not going to start conversations or initiate the desire to hang out with someone. For how long? Who knows. For the sake of not driving myself nuts, and becoming disappointed when a plan falls through or a topic of conversation fizzles out immediately, I know how to stop it, and that reaches the point of not going out on a limb. I feel like I put so much energy into wanting to talk to people and wanting to make plans, that for most of it to fall through as of recently, it is becoming not worth my time. It is very disappointing. Burning bridges? Perhaps. Mainly on accident. It feels more like damage control than anything, even if it means doing more damage along the way. However, I expect this to serve as a lesson. Either I need to find people who will entertain me putting my time into them, or I'll be able to find strength in clearing the debris of the wreckage I cause, if any, after this. I'll be the first one to tell you I'm a people pleaser. I don't know how or when it started, I've just always wanted to err on the side of caution, which could also be misconstrued in different ways, but the bottom line is: I want to make sure everyone is as happy as they can be. When I can't do that, I feel disappointed in myself. So naturally, when a conversation comes to a halt, I immediately put the blame on myself, even if it is not. I spend so much time claiming the blame as my own, I welcome it as a natural feeling. In the end, I know I can let myself down, but I know how to pick myself back up after. If I let someone else down, I let it hang over my head like a cloud. If you ask me, that's no healthy way to live. Perhaps this is the incorrect way of going about finding whatever it is I'm looking for. Perhaps this isn't the best way to learn how to exist in solitude. Especially considering I have good friends. However, I can't work around the feeling of bringing them down. I have very few friends in the first place, so the idea of not being able to provide a worthwhile friendship, to someone like me, is heart wrenching. But there I go again. Blaming myself for something that comes along with the territory of any level of the term "relationship." I'm trying to convince myself that this is what's best for me at this point. All I can think about is work, the things I need to be doing when I'm not at work, and what I want to do with whatever remaining time there is. Naturally, that turns into conversation. I don't go to parties, I don't drink, I don't smoke, like I said before, I don't have a lot of friends in the first place and can't bring myself to go meet anyone new, so I feel like a burden. I'm the wet blanket. I'm the mom friend, but not the cool mom friend, you know? I keep trying to convince myself it's me, even though a relationship is a two way street. One person shouldn't be doing all of the initiating. It's leaving a hole in my chest. For someone who tries to give so much of herself to the people she loves, it sure feels like I'm not getting much back. So I'll be quiet.

#futureme #happiness #reflection #future #myself #growingup