Memories of my childhood remain virtually non-existent; a very chest-gripping realization for someone who fawns over the sentimental aspects of her life rather than the material ones. One of my only prominent recollections is watching my mother stand at the top of a set of bleachers baked in the summer sun, screaming at my father whipping an old Monte Carlo around dirt corners as if he stood a chance of hearing her holler profanities and words of mid-Iowa, Saturday-night-after-you've-had-a-few, you-better-win-because-you-didn't-destroy-the-garage-for-nothing encouragement over the rumble of his car and 14 others. Having always been partial to the idea of dirt track racing, finding interest in the professionals came at a far later date and when I got into NASCAR myself, though having been a presence in the house for my total of 20 something years, it was no surprise that I found myself climbing on furniture and screaming at the TV, not dissimilar to what I watched as a kid, now feeling my own face turn a shade of red - in likeness to the headphones I wore while watching those who came before me. In the moments I began to understand what it took to win, the jargon came naturally.
I sat and scrolled through Instagram, acknowledging that what racing does to my chest only exists within the walls of a motor speedway or a corner of the county only locals know exist. In thinking out loud I said amongst the room "to gain any more track position, we're going to need a caution," but continued scrolling, paying no attention otherwise. Only seconds passed before I heard the announcers scream a jumbled update followed by the words "that puts us under caution!" My eyes grew wide and I looked at my peers in the room, though they had been doing the same thing I had just mere seconds ago, I stared until my eyes burned a hole in their attention spans. I was greeted with a concerned "what? what's wrong?" just in time for me to jump off the couch in excitement. "What did I just say we needed? WHAT DID I SAY?" Details hadn't come to matter and the attention quickly focused on the term "queen of speaking it into existence," thus becoming a running joke when it comes to racing. Often this type of thing happens to me, however, it is nothing I am a total stranger to. A song will end and I'll jokingly sing the first line to the chorus of another song, just in time for the first few notes of the latter song to play. I'll have a feeling in my head, my bones, my gut, my heart, that something of some substance is about to happen. Random thoughts on the matter will come to mind. Those that, to the outside world, seem too far-fetched for the task at hand, only for the thought and feeling to come to fruition hours, days, weeks later and often to no one else's appeal aside from my own. So naturally as I read Chapter 2: The G-Word from Jen Sincero's You Are A Badass I thought to myself "why am I even bothering to read this? I've already got this down, no problem."
The bottom line is a lot of this book encourages you to manifest what you want from your own grit. From well within the inner workings of your brain sits an untapped Will To Do Something, more than what you're already doing. We all have it. Those day-dreams that only exist as long as you continue to think about them, to long for them, to have to snap out of them and create a documented agenda for the conference call that could easily be a one and done email. What Jen believes in and fully suggests you do is find that inner God or Goddess within and consider it already done, whatever it is. Ideally, it is a promotion or a sudden sum of money or a vacation that has come out of nowhere or the unadulterated decision to do what you've been meaning to do for so long, but no matter the task, you speak it, believe it, trust in it, and it will come to you. Better known as: the law of attraction. Even better known as: what I've believed all my life on paper, but have seldom put into practice.
What I came to understand was that though these run-ins with who and what Jen calls Source Energy are very sparse and still continue to freak me out when they happen, they don't seem to fester in times of necessity, nor proactively. I've always felt a stronger connection to the term "Universe" or "Higher Power" than specifically "God" (whether by personal choice or my incessant belief in putting yourself in other people's shoes is not prevalent and completely still uncertain) and admittedly growing up under the assumption of such God-like provisions, it feels cliche or 'crazy' to say anything in reference to anything other than such. It wasn't until I read this book that I noticed my once frequent visits from an Alternate Universe self became lesser in life aspects and more so odd moments where she pokes her head in to make a point that she's still there, even if just in a comedic sense (i.e. 7 Rings ends with me humming the new Machine Gun Kelly song, only for I Think I'm OKAY to begin immediately). She did once exist in a higher command but the more I developed the feeling that talking to the sky seemed crazy, the more I felt I should be holding a bong in one hand and summoning The Force with the other when saying "you just have to trust the universe, but not too much," and in the end it began to feel like what I have is what I have, you just have to work hard for what you want, and if you don't have it from working hard, you're not supposed to have it in after all.
Naively speaking, I've always been one to have bigger thoughts in my head than what I ever felt I could put into practice. I grew up in a generation where it seemed we could be whatever we wanted to be and we were being told that by those who were only relaying the message, not following their own advice. Perhaps as a natural reflex or subtly in a form of begging us to do more than what they did, on the other hand, we were given the perfect pedestal to be ambitious, goal oriented, and not at all concerned about consequence. My fear of consequence, however, seems to be the driving force behind my admittedly impaired way of looking at the path ahead of me the more I got into the night and day of working and responsibilities. Where I believed in it once and absentmindedly believed the change would come the moment I realized I over-fixated on the possibility, it went as quickly as it came - existing within the idea that is was all too naive to think a red light would turn green for me the moment I rolled up to it. Because surely, who has that kind of luck?
Beginning the quest on believing completely in my own general badassery and how to capitalize on it to get to where I want to go, I noticed similarities in what was suggested to me and what I had already been doing, as I stated before. I started to lean into it all, started to believe this woman who had never met me in her life and was telling me I was capable of whatever I wanted to do, because anyone is. My week began Monday morning with a 6am wake up call to do yoga, to meditate, to believe in the power that lived within me. My week of pure dedication came to a halt at 1pm on Monday in a cold sweat because I hadn't taken time to dissect what it was that was making me angry enough that my chest began cramping again and why I had the desire to take what was already broken and break it more. There's no learning curve for these kinds of things, I suppose. Tuesday had me up later than anticipated, but with a fuller day ahead in terms of getting myself on the right track. I can do this. My continuation on this path is what inevitably led me to a fallen tree in the forest. Where I had been so gung-ho about myself and the fact that I could do anything I wanted to as long as I said I did and had the means to make it manifest, what I had read of the book so far had been a generalization on what "cleaning house" had to be done before you could understand what was needed to renovate the place. My frustration festered in a falsehood of what I was getting myself into. In a time I needed direction and no one to give it, given my natural state of always being the supporter and confidant, I was expecting an epiphany. An "ah-ha!" moment. Someone to tell me something I haven't yet thought of, and that was not what I was receiving. What it took too long for me to understand was that it shouldn't have been the lack of what I thought I needed, but how I received it. To put it in a way that frankly makes me hate that it's truth so much I turn around and walk away because I'm defeated and have nothing else to argue: I still don't know what to do with my life, and I got angry because this book that has changed people's lives didn't change any aspect of what I already knew, it just put shine on what I already did.
Here's where this book also blew my excuses wide open: based on the Law of Attraction or the basic idea of "karma," what you put out will come back to you, and unfortunately so much of my time is spent in a negative state because I get to a point where I don't SEE a point. Why do this? Why even put time into this? Everyone else can do it too. They can, but are they? I don't know, probably. That's not a definite. How do you know everyone else is doing it until you get out there and see for yourself? It's a natural comparison and I could continue excuses until I actually find the means to go and write my first book or open commissions for art that is just good enough to pass as good, but I'll be honest with you: my first step in proving something to myself has to be removing my distraction process from social media. Anyone can flaunt they're a writer without writing anything except Instagram captions. Anyone can flaunt that they're a photographer as long as they have an iPhone with portrait mode. What makes the difference, to me, is the time you're willing to put into the craft and the things you do that don't see the light of day or your online highlight reel of a 15 minutes of fame because you got 1,000 likes instead of your normal 30. Where it becomes difficult to muddle through what's for attention and what's for truth, whether compared to someone else or not, the sad truth is you don't have to be extraordinary at anything in order to be recognized for it. Any attention is still attention, but is it the attention you want? Same instance with an attitude. I'm learning that I'm going to feel emotion one way or another, but I have the power to choose what and how I feel towards a situation based on how I react to it.
Here I'm left with where to go from here. I have a book in my hand that to the positively minded person is the end-all, be-all of heading in the right direction when you need it. It sat on a shelf in my head for a year and a half before I purchased it in lieu of making a decision on whether or not to take a step in a direction I'm not completely sold on in terms of happiness, though financially (and through retail therapy could address the happiness issue, perhaps) is the right choice. And I can't lie to you. In times I can't comprehend where to go or what to do, sometimes I'd rather be negative. In the words of Brendon Urie, Fuck A Silver Lining! Sometimes shit has to hit the fan. Sometimes it's more fulfilling to see things fall apart because then you have a reason to step back and look at the destruction and laugh manically. Sometimes it's a necessity. It's when you decide you want to get revenge on yourself for being negative and manifesting the negative reaction that changes begin to happen.